this is a lot less of a blog than it is a collection of things i wish to never forget hearing, and things i wish i could say without having to explain

march 9 2026 - its only 1:27am right now, but it's no longer mama's birthday. it was yesterday though. this has been a miserable weekend for me, which makes me feel like an ingrate to say. it's been tough. i still can't even fathom how he could try to do something like that. i think this hurt me even more than being ***** by him. for some delusional, or twisted and self-protective reason, it never felt like it was THAT bad, what he did that is. it still feels less evil than him trying to *** and blame it on me. that's an eternal suffering bestowed upon me that i simply don't understand what i've done to deserve. i can justify the rest, all the other terrible terrible things that he's done to me; maybe i deserve it. this however, i don't know. i don't really understand why he could do that for any reason other than pure resentment for me, and the fact that maybe, he really does hate himself.
march 9 continued -> "giggly diddly" thank you del for the new statement. why would he go to a cheery school event the morning after trying to attempt? acting all giggly diddly? make it make sense. why am i more deeply affected by this alleged attempt of his than he seems to be? i don't even know what to believe in, i don't really want to get too far into this. i don't know if i even believe in a "good" or "bad" and i don't even know if thinking about anything is worth it anymore. i saw his recent posts, it's depressing how little he cares about things that have cared for him, things that to this day have tried to honour his life, and try not to make him feel like he's at fault for existing. he tore into my soul and made sure it continues to fuel the rest of my body with guilt for sins i've never even heard of. the pitiful life he lives is an amalgamation of the good around him, the people that he tore apart, the

february 19 2026 - happy birthday to my baby sister. i wish i was home. he talked to me again, left me a chocolate bar. he told me a lot of people hate him, and i said if he was also told what he did he would hate himself too.

february 13 2026 - i took a bath by accident, it was nice. bug and i are gonna play skribbl and sleep. i love him so much, all the time in the world with all the words in the world wouldn't be enough for me to explain what he does for my soul. he's my soulmate, and i hope i'm his.

february 2 2026 - i don't really know how we got to this month so quickly, but time goes by fast when you can't really recall much. if my essence was a fruit it would be dry, and if i had a reason to be pitied it would be not because of what has happened to me, but because of what i have chosen to do about it all (med-cope).
y'know, i think there's some comfort in referring to recent events as things that have happened, to me. i don't know if it's an artificial shift of responsibility, or because that's actually what happened. things happened to me. they were done to me, bad things were done to me.
nonetheless, arlert's biggest fan did something kind today, just a little bit ago. for a second, i felt believed again, and i didn't realize oh just how powerful of a feeling that is- to not feel like you're lying to everyone and yourself. he said see ya, mid convo. not because he wanted to end it, but because he wanted me away from [redacted]. that was nice.

january 27 2026 - so much has happened, and so little at the same time. i don't really know what to call any of it anymore. i can't seem to remember what happened to me as well as i used to, and i can't seem to feel angry enough towards him, but this can't go on and i appreciate everyone who has been willing and able to step in for me, mostly the b+c duo that i owe a lot to. and lizzie. i had a long exchange of words with arlert, whether in self-sabotage or in desperation for clarity. his words hurt just as bad as i assumed that they would, despite being glittered and soft. they were sharp.
i wish i could quote for dramatic effect, but this is the closest my memory can bring me to it. "you know you can't take back consent after the thing has happened" or maybe it was "you really have to think about what constitutes as r***"
i saw dr. g today, and she gave me a hug. it was really sweet, and warmer than i thought a touch could feel for me in this town. it felt maternal and well-wished. i haven't talked about it too much, but i've been really detached from physical touch ever since it was stolen from me, maliciously. i usually like to hug, and i usually crave for touch, but usually feels so unfamiliar to me now, and a touch feels bothersome. dr. g's hug was nice. i hesitated but i'm glad i let her hug me. i am so lonely, and for a split second it felt like i wasn't.

january 12 2026 - misery mondays? i have yet to write of it, but gabie has returned, my misery night partner whom i owe a lot of my music taste to.
anyways, today has been weird. i have about 3 hours until my college closes for the night, and i have way more studying to do than time will permit. i spent (wasted) my time mulling over the aftermath of a situation gone stale. sure, i got a mcdonalds meal out of it, but was it worth having to hear all those questions? i believe i may have approached this classmate to talk simply because i was uncomfortable with the lack of chaos in my disorganized mind. it was getting too predictable, and i needed something to distract me from it. i dug myself into a hole perhaps, and it feels just as rewarding as i was hoping it would. if i could explain it in addiction terms, i think that would probably make the most sense. i want chaos, i want emotional turmoil. i have not learned to incorporate positive features into my healing, and i am not confident with the absence of the stressor as my saviour. i really should never talk to him again, and i hope i dont. for all good things left in the world, i hope i can at least do that. if not for myself, for my lover and the fragile creature waiting for me to come home.

january 8 2026 - happy new year. i had a really successful academic meeting today, and am in a favourable position when it comes to my goals. all that's left is to actually begin, pursue, create. i have to see the worst person i've ever met in ten or so minutes. i refuse to let him take my success away from me. God Can Make You Pay by Puracane is dedicated to you (him). God will make you pay for what you have done to me.

december 21 2025 - there's no words to describe this feeling anymore

december 2 2025 - oh to make sense of my mind's function
i yearn for a task-driven motor with organizational skills incomparable to a worm, though maybe that is insulting to the worm
for maybe the worm is far more capable.

november 12 2025 - "i would say he did it to himself," in response to the guilt of potentially taking away the only thing a pitiful man has left going for him.