this is a lot less of a blog than it is a collection of things i wish to never forget hearing, and things i wish i could say without having to explain

january 27 2026 - so much has happened, and so little at the same time. i don't really know what to call any of it anymore. i can't seem to remember what happened to me as well as i used to, and i can't seem to feel angry enough towards him, but this can't go on and i appreciate everyone who has been willing and able to step in for me, mostly the b+c duo that i owe a lot to. and lizzie. i had a long exchange of words with arlert, whether in self-sabotage or in desperation for clarity. his words hurt just as bad as i assumed that they would, despite being glittered and soft. they were sharp.
i wish i could quote for dramatic effect, but this is the closest my memory can bring me to it. "you know you can't take back consent after the thing has happened" or maybe it was "you really have to think about what constitutes as r***"
i saw dr. g today, and she gave me a hug. it was really sweet, and warmer than i thought a touch could feel for me in this town. it felt maternal and well-wished. i haven't talked about it too much, but i've been really detached from physical touch ever since it was stolen from me, maliciously. i usually like to hug, and i usually crave for touch, but usually feels so unfamiliar to me now, and a touch feels bothersome. dr. g's hug was nice. i hesitated but i'm glad i let her hug me. i am so lonely, and for a split second it felt like i wasn't.

january 12 2026 - misery mondays? i have yet to write of it, but gabie has returned, my misery night partner whom i owe a lot of my music taste to.
anyways, today has been weird. i have about 3 hours until my college closes for the night, and i have way more studying to do than time will permit. i spent (wasted) my time mulling over the aftermath of a situation gone stale. sure, i got a mcdonalds meal out of it, but was it worth having to hear all those questions? i believe i may have approached this classmate to talk simply because i was uncomfortable with the lack of chaos in my disorganized mind. it was getting too predictable, and i needed something to distract me from it. i dug myself into a hole perhaps, and it feels just as rewarding as i was hoping it would. if i could explain it in addiction terms, i think that would probably make the most sense. i want chaos, i want emotional turmoil. i have not learned to incorporate positive features into my healing, and i am not confident with the absence of the stressor as my saviour. i really should never talk to him again, and i hope i dont. for all good things left in the world, i hope i can at least do that. if not for myself, for my lover and the fragile creature waiting for me to come home.

january 8 2026 - happy new year. i had a really successful academic meeting today, and am in a favourable position when it comes to my goals. all that's left is to actually begin, pursue, create. i have to see the worst person i've ever met in ten or so minutes. i refuse to let him take my success away from me. God Can Make You Pay by Puracane is dedicated to you (him). God will make you pay for what you have done to me.

december 21 2025 - there's no words to describe this feeling anymore

december 2 2025 - oh to make sense of my mind's function
i yearn for a task-driven motor with organizational skills incomparable to a worm, though maybe that is insulting to the worm
for maybe the worm is far more capable.

november 12 2025 - "i would say he did it to himself," in response to the guilt of potentially taking away the only thing a pitiful man has left going for him.